Skip to main content

What am I doing?!

As I sit here trying to find my purpose in life, my passion, a hobby, anything to get me out of this horrible funk I have been in, I think about starting to write.  I am not a writer, far from it, however, writing things down always seems to help.  Being able to express what I am feeling on paper...or much easier than trying to have a face to face conversation or confrontation.  I have always been better at expressing myself when I take the time to write things down and process what I want to say....enter Blogging.  I have no idea what I want to write about and IF I could even spark anyones interest with my writing, but I guess it is worth a try!  I feel like I am a fairly interesting person, I am very opinonated, have an intense work ethic and always have something to say about everything….whether I am right or wrong. How does this blogging work? Do topics just come up naturally each day?  Do I have to pick a topic? It all seems very daunting but maybe it will give me something to focus on.  What is the general theme of my blog?  How to find happiness after your life has been ruinded by some asshole prick ...excuse the language) that you are still stuck living with?!  Well, I guess that is going to the extreme, however, I do feel that I have learned A LOT about myself in the last few years.  I am 31, legally separated for over a year.  Currently single with a roommate for two more months, and then on to living on my own for the first time EVER in my life.  Yep, you read it correctly.  I have never lived alone.  Ever... and I will be 32 in July.  I have a bunny rabbit named Grace and a dog named Frank.  They are my world. I would like this blog to be about gaining independence as a single woman who once felt she was unstopable and now feels pretty down in the dumps.  I let a man manipulate and use me…he was liar and a cheater. In two short months, I will be DONE with him but until then, I need to find myself.  I need to figure out what makes me happy.  One thing I LOVE doing is waking up early on the weekends and making coffee and just sitting outside.  Maybe that is when I take the time to write this blog.  I feel like I need to drastically change my life and by that I mean my mood, my attitude, my eating habits, life style habits, workout habbits.  Bacically, I have a lot of work to do on myself.  All these other blogs I have been reading on post breakup and positive thinking say this is the time (newly single) to really be selfish and focus on yourself and what you love.  Focus on loving yourself and what what brings joy to your life.  My problem is, I have no hobbies.  I work long hours and I probably drink too much wine :)  Maybe writing becomes my outlet.  Maybe this is where I am able to let out my aggression and feelings and emotions.  Maybe I just write about what I am feeling each day and people will be able to relate to it.  My goal is to find myself again, find that person that I lost a few years ago.  I have made many mistakes, made some horrible choices but in the end, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  I am not sure what the reason is yet for the past 5 years of my life but I am confident that it will surface eventually. I need to focus on bettering myself. Focus on what makes me happy.  I  want more out of this life.  I want to experience more things, travel, see my friends more often, try new things, find a hobby that I love and am good at.  Right now I am just stuck in a shitty living situation but soon I will be on my own and hopefully the happiest I have ever been.  Don’t get me wrong, I am TERRIFIED.  What if I fail at this too?  I failed at my marriage, I failed at the relationship after that.  The only thing I have been good at is my job.  I have NEVER been single since I was 15.  I kid you not, I went from boyfriend to boyfriend, serious relationship to serious relationship.  I have no clue how that was possible.  I guess I always felt that I needed to man to complete me.  SOOO at almost 32, I am going to try this single thing.  What makes KIM happy?  What does KIM like to do?  KIM, KIM, KIM!!!!!  I know it sounds selfish, however, I think there is some truth behind this theory of being selfish while newly single.   I want to be in control of my life and my emotions.  I do not want to depend on someone else for MY happiness because I have tried that a million times and clearly all has failed me! I NEED to make myself happy!  I need to be the one to make myself smile and do things that I am proud of.  I don’t want to write this sappy depressing blog on how miserable my life has been.  I want to find the positives in my shitty situation and figure out how I can better my own life.   SO by just writing this all down, it seems as though my blog should be on finding happiness when real life happens.  How to stay positive when you are surrounded by negativity.  How to to find yourself again..however, I don’t have any tips and tricks for this yet, I am and just starting this journey myself too! :)  Well, I guess that settles that! Positivity, Happiness and Independence! Let’s all have a “Serenity Now” moment!